Exhaustion Aisle 9

Yesterday while out shopping I ran into another Mom-Acquaintance.  We exchanged the normal pleasantries in the middle of the grocery aisle and when she asked me how I was doing I replied, "I'm well".  Except I wasn't "well".  I slumped over the cart handle and with a big smile and sigh I uttered three words that most moms wouldn't be caught dead admitting, "Truthfully, I'm exhausted".  Something strange happened once those words spilled from my mouth.  My friend relaxed.  Her whole body language changed; the tension in her shoulders seemed to float away, her face showed that she knew what I was talking about, and she smiled and said, "Me too, I get it".

Moms tend to not admit how tired they are, how simply exhausting it all is.  Why?  I think it's filed under the same category as not asking for help.  Not only do I tend to not complain about being exhausted, I get really pissed when I hear my husband talk about how tired he is, how much sleep he didn't get, or how long the day is going to be.  Dude, really?!  It's not his fault, he can admit when he's tired.  I shouldn't expect him to not let his exhaustion be known.  I shouldn't expect myself to keep it all inside either.

I won't bore you the reasons why I'm tired.  If you're a mom you get it.  I will say that it felt good to be honest with myself.  To say it out loud.  It's not about finding ways to slow down and do for yourself.  It's about realizing you don't have to hide just how tired you are.  It's okay to admit it.  You won't be any less busy or any less tired when you speak those three little words, but you will be less stressed about holding it all together in the middle of the aisle trying to be well.  Try it, Trust Me.  Now, go take a nap!

Universal Truths

The other night I did something incredibly stupid.  Something that I never do.   I lied to my daughter.  It was a lie meant to protect her.  She was worrying about something and I lied about the chain of events in order to have her not worry one minute longer.  Incredibly stupid I tell you.  In my defense I was EXHAUSTED!  I was frustrated that she, beyond her control, worries about every little thing.  I just wanted to fix her; make it all right.  So I lied.

At the exact moment I lied I remembered that I was dealing with Little Miss Sherlock Holmes. After all,  she was Daphne from Scooby Doo one year for Halloween;. she has the credentials.   She was determined to piece this mystery together.  

After 10 minutes of non stop interrogation from her I caved.  I am a tough mama, but honestly I was a little afraid she was going to move on to torture tactics.   After all, she has a little brother; she has the credentials.  So, I confessed.  I gave her the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I explained to her WHY I did what I did.  She took it all in and began to process this information with a silence that scared the crap out of me; I just knew she was deciding my punishment during that silence.  What she said next was all it took for me to learn my lesson.  What she told me I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life:

She said, "You know when you tell a lie the universe knows and you will be found out.  You cannot escape a lie."  Whoa, when did she become so philosophical?  She then proceeded to say, "Plus you are my mom; I trust you, I need you, so you can't lie to me ever again".  I told you she was trained in torture tactics.  I think it would have felt better had she physically ripped my heart out or knocked the wind out of me with a sucker punch.  

I learned two very important lessons that night.  1. I cannot fix her.  I cannot stop her worry, I cannot control her anxiety, I cannot make the pain of what she deals with on daily basis go away.  I can, however, give her the tools (and the truths) she needs to work through her worry, anxiety, and stress.  2. Never! Ever! Never!  lie to a girl who watches Scooby Doo, reads mysteries, and has a little brother.

She is my daughter; she trusts me,  I need her, and I can't lie to her ever again.  That is the universal truth.