Cue My Stand In

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Last night just as I *thought* Audrey, my 5 year old, was falling fast to sleep she sat up in hysterics. Screaming, crying, sobbing. Then out of her mouth came "What if I'm crossing the road to get on the school bus and a car squishes me". "What if you forget me at Kindergarten". "What if they don't teach me bus safety". I thought only Moms, not children played the tragic what-if game and created the unlikely scenarios of a day with out your child.

This was where I needed my stunt double, after all my stand in had done an excellent job so far masking my own fears and anxiety about sending my baby to Kindergarten. I was heartbroken. But, I put aside my usual tendencies to scoop up my baby, and tell her it was all going to be okay. After all, in her little world it's not okay and besides I was trying to tell myself it was going to be okay and I just couldn't share an ounce of that. Instead I promised we'd work through this together, that I'd talk to the bus driver to make sure she got bus safety, that we'd inspect her class room together, that Mommies NEVER forget their children...I left out the story when my own mother forgot my brother at Grandma's house, that together we'd take on Kindergarten. I assured her that everyone gets scared and nervous and that it's hard to understand how something new will work but that it gets easier and fun each day.

Putting this all down on paper makes me realize that I have over and over and over since preschool graduation told myself those same things. Because what if...what if they don't teach her bus safety, what if she hates it, what if she forgets her Mommy? What if she loves Kindergarten so much she doesn't even have time to hug & kiss me good-bye, what if she forgets to wave from the bus, what if my baby grows up to be a beautiful young school age child. The answer is I'll be proud. I'll be proud of what I've done to shape her into a 5 year old...a little nervous, a little scared, and yet head strong like her Mama willing to accept the challenge of moving on to this new phase.

Last night I wiped her tears, I made promises to never leave her side, and I did what any loving mother would do...I scooped up my baby and tucked her into bed with me and whispered, "It's all going to be okay" Because it will be, it will be okay! I promise!