Same Time Next Year

It's that time of year again, back to school time.  Which means it's my crying time.  I am, as I am every year, an emotional mess.  I am not the typical mom who cheers the first day of school, I don't do cartwheels at the bus stop, and I don't bask in all of that uninterrupted quiet time I get for 7 hours a day/5 days a week.  Okay, that last one is a lie; I really do enjoy that part.   It's also that time of year when teachers, mommy-bloggers, and positive parenting sites put out these amazing tutorials, blogs, and essays.  They are all such amazing writers (whom I envy) who's stories make me cry.

Our summers are always well spent.  Just the right amount of everything.  We were busy.  We were lazy.  We enjoyed hours at the pool, hours in front of the tv, hours being together.  We kept up with doctor's appointments, play dates, and summer camps.  We did the go go go thing, and we did the stay in our PJs until noon and not the leave the house thing.  Every minute together was perfect.  Except for the few "my kids-are-not-perfect-I-sometimes-lose-it" times.   

I feel like summer is my chance to watch them grow.  If you have children in school then you know that nights and weekends are usually a blur.  For us summer vacation is a chance to slow down, enjoy more family time, and watch them grow.  And just like every summer vacation from school it comes to an end before I am ready.  It happens every year.  Of course when this new school year comes to a close I will have seen them grow even more.  It happens every year.  The whole watching them grow thing is a bittersweet reminder that they are not my babies anymore.  

Tonight I will cry (tears of sadness) for the end of summer.  Tomorrow I will cry (tears of pride) putting them on the bus.  Tomorrow night I will cry (tears of exhaustion) as we come down off that first day back.   Just as I did last year and just as I will next year.  It happens every year.  

Cue My Stand In

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Last night just as I *thought* Audrey, my 5 year old, was falling fast to sleep she sat up in hysterics. Screaming, crying, sobbing. Then out of her mouth came "What if I'm crossing the road to get on the school bus and a car squishes me". "What if you forget me at Kindergarten". "What if they don't teach me bus safety". I thought only Moms, not children played the tragic what-if game and created the unlikely scenarios of a day with out your child.

This was where I needed my stunt double, after all my stand in had done an excellent job so far masking my own fears and anxiety about sending my baby to Kindergarten. I was heartbroken. But, I put aside my usual tendencies to scoop up my baby, and tell her it was all going to be okay. After all, in her little world it's not okay and besides I was trying to tell myself it was going to be okay and I just couldn't share an ounce of that. Instead I promised we'd work through this together, that I'd talk to the bus driver to make sure she got bus safety, that we'd inspect her class room together, that Mommies NEVER forget their children...I left out the story when my own mother forgot my brother at Grandma's house, that together we'd take on Kindergarten. I assured her that everyone gets scared and nervous and that it's hard to understand how something new will work but that it gets easier and fun each day.

Putting this all down on paper makes me realize that I have over and over and over since preschool graduation told myself those same things. Because what if...what if they don't teach her bus safety, what if she hates it, what if she forgets her Mommy? What if she loves Kindergarten so much she doesn't even have time to hug & kiss me good-bye, what if she forgets to wave from the bus, what if my baby grows up to be a beautiful young school age child. The answer is I'll be proud. I'll be proud of what I've done to shape her into a 5 year old...a little nervous, a little scared, and yet head strong like her Mama willing to accept the challenge of moving on to this new phase.

Last night I wiped her tears, I made promises to never leave her side, and I did what any loving mother would do...I scooped up my baby and tucked her into bed with me and whispered, "It's all going to be okay" Because it will be, it will be okay! I promise!