I awake at 2a.m. with a song in my head. I lay there, it's loud...the lyrics are coming in bits and pieces and then some of the music. Why am I awake and what is this song so I can get back to sleep. I start listening and thinking, it's "To Make You Feel My Love" from the movie, Hope Floats. Okay, I can go back to sleep.
Why am awake? Why is there a soundtrack playing in my head? Why that particular movie?
Several weeks ago a very dear friend and I were searching for hope. Literally. She had shared a piece with me a couple of years ago and I couldn't find it in my archives anywhere. She couldn't find it anywhere. We knew it was out there somewhere. We were hopeless. And now here I am at 2 a.m. and hope is right where it's always been...
I take it as a sign and I let the sign speak to me. Suddenly (okay, maybe not suddenly but surely) nearly all of the anxiety, tension, and fears I have been carrying around for the last week start to leave my body. I need hope and I cling to this feeling like a life line that has been tossed to me in a sea of dread.
It's funny, I don't believe in God, Miracles, or Divine Intervention...but I have hope. Some of my close friends are going to tell me that my "sign" is from above...they have hope. Hope can be defined by dictionaries; or can it? I looked it up...I wasn't satisfied. What exactly is hope and why do I all of a sudden have it?
Hope is a feeling that comes to all of us...we carry it around daily, some of us lose hope, some of us cling to hope, some of us hope to find it. It comes to us when we least expect it...at 2a.m. in the form of a "sign", it comes to us when we need it most, it comes to us when we aren't even looking. We either have hope or we don't.
I have hope. I have hope that my "sign" was from the spirits & energy of love ones passed. (we'll save my earlier statement of disbelief being a contradiction to that for another blog) I have hope that the anxiety I've been carrying in the center of my chest will not rule my life. I have hope that this sadness I'm carrying over the loss of my dear Aunt will slowly fade and be replaced with happiness that was her life. I have hope that I am doing right by my children, my husband, my own self.
I have hope. Period. I didn't need to search for a piece written on hope. I had it all along inside of me. I was never, nor will I ever be, hopeless again.